I have a shit load, but 95% of those are never seen.
Today, a lot of them are going to be out there.

I feel like shit, worthless, nothing, fucked up.
On the other side of that, I seem happy, joyful, and actually fun.
Yesterday, I had a talk with a fucking wonderful friend…
to me we’ve gotten close as shit. Not on the intimate level or anything of that sorts.
Basically, on the level you wanna be with someone you care about.
I told her some straight personally shit that only my closest friends know. Now, she is the closest I’ve let anyone get. That shit was so fucking hard to let out though. I was shaking, my voice was probably breaking. I felt comfortable though. With her I did.
I left it out there. I let myself loose, vulnerable I guess I could call it but idk. she also told me some personally things only straight close friends should hear. That’s not for me to tell though, what she told me will stay with me forever for no one to hear, unless she tells it.
It’s funny though, I added her over the summer. This friendship is not even in the years stages and she is already gotten inside where I let literally no one in.
Crazy shit, but the connection is there. Now, I ask myself. “Why don’t you tell her man? Are you fucking dumb?” I guess, I’m just afraid. These are the feelings I don’t let her see. Because I’m afraid. Afraid of rejection. She has the most awesome, weird, cool, fun personality. Honestly I’ve never met a girl like that before. It’s pretty awesome though. Mug is very friendly. She laughs at the most stupid jokes or puns I make lol. Mug probably does it not to be an ass lol. But I’m okay with that I guess. Maybe as a guy I’m overthinking to much. I probably am but idk, shit sucks. Another reason is because I don’t want to bother her with how I feel even though I do at times I would love to take the chance but fear doesn’t let me go through with it.
Ducking fear man, (she’d be on my ass for that autocorrect) so I’ll leave it there haha. I don’t want to ruin a friendship over how I feel, or make it awkward. I’d rather her be happy than feel anything else forwards me if I did say to her what I said here. So, idk about me taking the leap. I wish I had the balls tbh. I highly doubt she’ll ever read this, that’s basically why I’m writing this here lol.

So, Monica. I know you won’t read this. But if you do. Thank you. Thank you for listening to my dumbass. Thank you for not judging me. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you.

This post wasn’t meant to be about her, it was supposed to be about what I feel. I guess you could say it’s still on topic on some level but idk.