Happy

I am happy, I had a few lows. Pero, I’ve had sometime to think.
I’m not mad or angry or anything. I’m happy.

Now, onto an issue that I need to let out.
I’d rather take being happy and keep a friendship than ruin it over some dumb stuff.
Whatever happens happens. I just hate losing friends. Especially close friends.

I’m sorry for being the way I was l, that wasn’t me. That was just a stupid me talking nonsense.
I tell the truth, so what I’ve said was no lie. But I’d rather keep what I said behind and move on without what I said being an issue, because well that’s just not what I want.

I realize there’s more to a friendship and I don’t want to fuck it up over some crush I have. Screw that. Hopefully it’s not too late and I can save what’s left. On god I hope I can.

Thoughts

I have them, I hate them, I love them.

They’re thoughts. They are intrusive to what I am. They make me, me but not me. It’s hard to explain. But it’s how I can explain.

Most times I don’t care, because I have distractions. But one that moments where it’s all quiet. It’s over with. No one can help. Because I don’t say anything. I’m still, alone, I don’t ask for help. Because I don’t like to bother people.

Now, those thoughts get worse especially because I try to drink them away but they don’t gon away. They come out stronger. It socks but it’s a cycle that doesn’t stop. I want it to stop but it doesn’t. It sucks. Oh well though. It is what it is.

Here I am, chillin. Alone. No one to talk to. No one to ease the pain that they bring. But I’m not bothering anyone. At least that’s what I think I’ll do if I try to talk. So o don’t.
I’d rather be here in the pain of my own thoughts. Rather than bother anyone tbh.

I am who I am.

SHV

Feelings.

I have a shit load, but 95% of those are never seen.
Today, a lot of them are going to be out there.

I feel like shit, worthless, nothing, fucked up.
On the other side of that, I seem happy, joyful, and actually fun.
Yesterday, I had a talk with a fucking wonderful friend…
to me we’ve gotten close as shit. Not on the intimate level or anything of that sorts.
Basically, on the level you wanna be with someone you care about.
I told her some straight personally shit that only my closest friends know. Now, she is the closest I’ve let anyone get. That shit was so fucking hard to let out though. I was shaking, my voice was probably breaking. I felt comfortable though. With her I did.
I left it out there. I let myself loose, vulnerable I guess I could call it but idk. she also told me some personally things only straight close friends should hear. That’s not for me to tell though, what she told me will stay with me forever for no one to hear, unless she tells it.
It’s funny though, I added her over the summer. This friendship is not even in the years stages and she is already gotten inside where I let literally no one in.
Crazy shit, but the connection is there. Now, I ask myself. “Why don’t you tell her man? Are you fucking dumb?” I guess, I’m just afraid. These are the feelings I don’t let her see. Because I’m afraid. Afraid of rejection. She has the most awesome, weird, cool, fun personality. Honestly I’ve never met a girl like that before. It’s pretty awesome though. Mug is very friendly. She laughs at the most stupid jokes or puns I make lol. Mug probably does it not to be an ass lol. But I’m okay with that I guess. Maybe as a guy I’m overthinking to much. I probably am but idk, shit sucks. Another reason is because I don’t want to bother her with how I feel even though I do at times I would love to take the chance but fear doesn’t let me go through with it.
Ducking fear man, (she’d be on my ass for that autocorrect) so I’ll leave it there haha. I don’t want to ruin a friendship over how I feel, or make it awkward. I’d rather her be happy than feel anything else forwards me if I did say to her what I said here. So, idk about me taking the leap. I wish I had the balls tbh. I highly doubt she’ll ever read this, that’s basically why I’m writing this here lol.

So, Monica. I know you won’t read this. But if you do. Thank you. Thank you for listening to my dumbass. Thank you for not judging me. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you.

This post wasn’t meant to be about her, it was supposed to be about what I feel. I guess you could say it’s still on topic on some level but idk.

This is the only place I can do this.

No one I can talk to about how I ‘feel’. Why? I don’t know, hard to explain really. It’s a lot of emotions. Excitement, happiness, and well feely feels.
I hide them, because well as a thought exterior I put out. Inside I’m just as vulnerable as the next guy. I can hide what I feel easy because well that’s all I have practiced doing.

Now, if I put myself out there rejection is a very real, scary, hurtful thing. I don’t want that.
I mean, I am a fun loving person. I don’t say hurtful things I don’t lie ever, because well there’s no point in lies if eventually the truth emerges.
Inside is a different person though. Not much as a difference as I am on the outside, but more or less of how I put myself out there. I hate taking risks, if it means I might lose someone or even worse, create a crack in an awesome friendship.

I am just rambling on lol, I fucking hate that. I can tell anything on here because well it won’t get read, not by the people I write about at least.
I don’t make myself hard to find, but also at the same time I doubt they take the time to look.
It’s as simple as writing my username. I use it for almost everything lol.
I play with fire, because I like to live dangerously lol.

That is all. M
Excuse the typos, I’ll come back and correct them later.
S.H.V.

Off the dome.

shv187:

Deep thoughts in my head.
Nothing is good now.
Just want to pick it up, pull it, dead.
This whole week my life is down.

I know everything is going to be good.
In the mean time I look and feel bad.
I just feel very misunderstood.
I don’t want to live my life completely sad.

I think of what made me this way.
I am now what I was afraid to be.
A cold hearted person watching time pass day by day.
Good is rare for me so I choose not to see.

There are some ups in my life.
The few friends that I have make me happy.
Think of them and I put down the knife.
They always make life seem a little less crappy.

Without them I’d probably be dead.
I’m independent but at times I like some one by my side.
If I didn’t I’d probably put one bullet to the head.
Fortunately I don’t bring my friends along the darkness of the ride.

SHV.

*****

shv187:

You can be it. let me be the one to show you I can make you happy.

-SHV